It was striking to see Dr. Vivek H. Murthy issue a Surgeon General’s Advisory about parenting. Typically, we think of warnings related to cigarettes and other products that are a risk to someone’s immediate health. Increasingly, we have seen Dr. Murthy turning attention to the nation’s collective mental well-being, as well. He cites a study from the American Psychological Association that found “48% of parents say most days their stress is completely overwhelming, compared to 26% of other adults who reported the same.” Both numbers are stunning. As to the causes, Dr. Murthy writes, “They are navigating traditional hardships of parenting—worrying about money and safety, struggling to get enough sleep—as well as new stressors, including omnipresent screens, a youth mental health crisis, and widespread fear about the future.”
What is really interesting is that this generation of parents spends more time with their children than past generations of parents. And that may be part of the problem. Murthy argues that parents are not getting time for their own needs. Further, he notes that we live in “an intensifying culture of comparison, often amplified online, that promotes unrealistic expectations of what parents must do.” I would also argue that, as a society, we have unrealistic expectations for our children.
We know from the CA survey we completed last year about our students’ emotional well-being that there is a correlation between an individual student’s level of anxiety and depression and how they perceive the mental well-being of their parents. This shouldn’t be surprising. One of the most important things we can do as parents is to provide a safe and stable home environment. And that can be hard when we have things going on in our adult lives. When one thing is off, the responsibilities and tasks that good parenting requires become even harder.
Readers of this blog know that as a child of the 1970s and 1980s, I am a big believer in free-range parenting. There are true benefits to giving kids more unstructured time, freedom, and responsibility. It can be good for the parents to have more time, as well. It also feels like there is such a direct connection between social media and the mental health of both young and old. One of the healthiest choices I have made is getting off social media. I know it’s hard to do, but putting those phones down and focusing on personal relationships and your children is so important.
It is also important to remember that parenting is not a sprint—and it never ends! We never stop worrying about our children. I have the good fortune of having both of my parents alive, and they still check in on me to see how I am doing. I am grateful for that love. And I am grateful for my own children. Sometimes I see families dealing with some tough things—like the loss of a job or a loved one, or a dire health situation. There are times when I see a parent thinking they are dealing with a tough issue, when really it seems harder than it actually is.
We live in an age where kids and parents feel like they need to be perfect, and a minor discipline issue can feel like the end of the world. Having grown kids has certainly helped me to develop this perspective, but so too does my experience as an educator. Learning to overcome discomfort and hardship can be so important to becoming a healthy adult. Plus, our kids are more resilient than we think.
We have had a great start to the year, but pretty soon grades are going to start coming in. Issues and challenges will emerge. Embrace them, and provide that unconditional love your children need.
I want to reference the song “Surrender” by Cheap Trick because it is partly about living your best personal life, and it’s good for your kids to be surprised about how cool you are as an individual! It’s also a humorous take on the generation gap.
The song’s concept is that the protagonist realizes his WWII parents are hipper than he believed and had lives and adventures before becoming parents. He learns that “Mommy served with the WACs in the Philippines”—a really cool surprise. If only our kids knew how cool we once were.
One of the best lines is when the young man wakes up one night to see his parents “rolling numbers, rock and rollin’, got my KISS records out” and realizing that they actually have a life… even though “they just seem a little weird.”
I believe our job as parents is to give our children the ability to be independent, make good decisions, and live authentically. Living your own personal life while allowing your kids to live theirs requires a delicate balance that involves nurturing their individuality and providing them guidance and space, while also staying true to your own identity. As a parent, it’s important to show our children the value of self-discovery, personal growth, and pursuing their own passions. At the same time, it’s essential to respect their originality, giving them the space to explore their interests, make decisions, and learn from their experiences.
All that said, I challenge you to tell your kids how cool you once were! The Cheap Trick song ends with an uplifting note: “Daddy’s All Right, Mommy’s All Right…. We’re all all right!…. We’re all all right!…. We’re all all right!”